Right before my previous partner and I broke up, she said something that still echoes in my head: “I want you. I don’t need you.”
At the time, I did not realize why that sentence unsettled me so much. But looking back, I can see it clearly- addiction thrives on being needed. Gambling had trained my brain to believe that dependence equals importance. The rush needed me. The next bet needed me. The comeback story needed me. I felt relevant in the chaos. I felt essential in the chase. When something depends on you- even if it’s destructive- it gives you a twisted sense of purpose.
So when she told me she didn’t need me, it confronted that distorted wiring. Healthy love doesn’t depend on survival-level attachment. Addiction does. Gambling had become something I “needed” to cope, to feel alive, to escape. And somewhere along the way, I started believing that being needed- by a person or by a habit- was the same thing as being valued.
It isn’t.
The Difference Between Want and Need
When someone needs you, there’s dependence.
When someone wants you, there’s choice.
Need says:
“I can’t function without you.”
‘You complete me.”
“I rely on you to regulate my emotions”
Want says:
“ I am whole on my own”
“I choose you.”
“You add to my life.”
In healthy relationships, we should want each other- not need each other.
And in recovery, this distinction becomes more important.
Gambling Addiction is Built on False Needs
It convinces you that something optional is essential. It rewires your brain to treat a behavior like survival. You start saying things like, “I just need one win,” or “I need to fix this” or “I need something to take off the edge.” But what you’re really saying is “I don’t know how to sit with this feeling".”
The bet isn’t the need. The escape is.
The money isn’t the need. The relief is.
The rush isn’t the need. The distraction is.
Addiction takes normal human emotions- stress, boredom, insecurity, regret- and tells you gambling is the only solution. It creates urgency where there isn’t one. It manufactures panic. It whispers that if you don’t place that bet, something terrible will happen… when in reality, nothing will happen except discomfort. The discomfort won’t kill you. But the cycle might.
False needed feel loud. They feel immediate. They feel physical. Your chest tightens. Your mind races. Your brain tells you this is critical.
But real needs are different. Real needs are things like safety, connection, stability, rest and purpose. Gambling doesn’t fulfill those.It temporarily numbs the absence of them.
Thats the trap.
Addiction thrives when you believe you can’t function without it. Recovery begins when you start separating what you truly need from what you’ve just become conditioned to crave.
Healthy Recovery Requires Independence
Recovery teaches you how to stand on your own two feet.
You learn:
How to regulate emotions without betting
How to sit with boredom
How to process stress without escape
How to build stability instead of chaos
You become someone who doesn’t need gambling to function.
And thats when something powerful happens.
You start choosing your life.
You don’t wake up thinking “I need to get through today without betting.”
You wake up thinking, “I want to protect the life I’ve built.”
That’s a different mindset.
One is survival.
The other is growth.
Being wanted is healthier than being needed.
In relationships.
In recovery.
In life.
You don’t need gambling.
You don’t need chaos.
You don’t need the rush.
You want stability. You want freedom. You want a life you don’t have to escape from.
And that’s a powerful place to stand.
Not because you’re dependent.
But because you’re choosing better.